


Three Unrelated Gay Christmas Miracles

by dannywrites



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (are evil lol), (psst its kankri), Christmas Miracles, Christmas Tree lots, Cuban Character of Color, F/F, Holiday Shenanigans, Homestuck Secret Santa 2016, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 11:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9178690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannywrites/pseuds/dannywrites
Summary: Something I wrote for the 2016 Homestuck Secret Santa.It's that special time of year, and three couples are excited to spend it with each other. Kanaya is the greatest girlfriend ever, Cronus knows how to make Kankri blush at all the right times, and Dave won't stop endangering himself for a meme.





	

t’s their third date, but for Cronus, it’s still “pretty fuckin’ surreal”.

That’s a lie: they’ve had dates before. Cronus and Kankri have had Skype dates long and heated enough to bother both of their roommates to the point of eye-rolls. Regardless, Cronus knew that he wouldn’t give up walking arm-in-arm with Kankri in the cool, frigid air for any amount of respect.

The path was lined with two massive lines of towering , dormant live oak trees, and short lamps that lit the paved sidewalk for countless blocks. Cronus had chosen his favorite leather jacket and boots, opting for a natural hairstyle that didn’t require a can of hair products. Kankri’s bright scarlet coat outlined his wiry frame, even in the limited glow of the town at night.

(Kankri had given up the cherry red turtleneck in his senior year, but Cronus never batted an eye when the world’s sensations become too much for him and made him pull the worn garment over his head.)

His dark hair shined in the dim light, even more luminescent than Cronus’ locks did when drenched in gel.

(“I’m telling you, babe, you look like an angel tonight.”

“Do you mean the cherubic angels or the accurate biblical angels that cannot be seen by humans without fear of annihilation?”

“Hm. What about the ones killin’ demons n’ stuff? They look pretty sick in those murals.”

“Always the charmer, aren’t you…”)

The town square was a bright cluster of businesses and cheer in the distance. Kankri detailed his debate team’s accomplishments while Cronus listened intently, nodding quietly and humming to remind Kankri that he was listening. He knew that Kankri could only ramble for so long, a remnant of an old habit he had picked up from his father’s sermons.

“So you wanna go to Porrim’s shop, yeah?” Cronus said in between the small gap Kankri made before starting a new topic. He’d practiced intercepting and enriching their conversations for _months_.

“If that’s fine with you, yes. I believe that her menu is best enjoyed in this sort of weather.” Kankri looked at him with the loveliest smile Cronus has seen from him yet. The joy he felt shone in his eyes too, and the sight made Cronus’ chest tighten in the sweetest way possible.

“ ‘Course it’s fine with me, chief. Cuban food rocks my world.”

Cronus brought his arm around Kankri’s thin shoulders, his cheek brushing over soft black locks before pecking the crown of his head. He added a quick, “Not as much as you though” before intertwining their fingers. Cronus grinned and didn’t look for Kankri’s reaction, but felt it in the way his hand shook and gripped him tight.

*~*

The shop was a gust of warm air and sugar when they finally stepped through the door, shedding their layers in favor of soaking in the cozy atmosphere through their skin. Cronus knew Kankri well enough to grin when he rushed to the display case. He fanned his fingers over the glass, letting the warmth of the heat lamps inside thaw his rigid digits. Cronus walked to his side and ogled the sweet and savory delights inside with him: crispy _croquettas_ , flaky, sticky _pastelitos_ of every flavor, _empanadas_ that glistened with oil, fresh _buńuelos_ , and countless other pastries and deserts.  

“Kan, I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.” Cronus said in half-mocking reverence.

“What a shame my father couldn’t anoint you.” Kankri responded, grinning wide.

The café didn’t have the same atmosphere without its manager there; the “smaller, nicer” Maryam sister was there instead, feet propped up on a stool and eyes-deep into an expensive fashion magazine. Cronus brought his hand to his chin and planted himself on top of the register, peering down and ready to strike.

“Hey, _Kuh-nigh-yuh,_ can we get some grub sometime this holiday season? You’ve got two guys here in desperate need of some holiday cheer.” Cronus said, waiting for the sister to finally pay attention.

She glanced up from her magazine with the most disdainful eyeball in the world, only to perk up and fold her magazine down at the sight of Porrim’s best friend. “Nice to see you, Kankri. How can I help you two?”

The older Vantas brother cleared his throat. “ _Un pastelito de guava y queso_ , with hot chocolate, please.”

_Click, click, click_. The register took the order easily and Kanaya took out a baking sheet to grab the pastry with.  “And what about you, Cronus?”

He took a deep breath, calling on the past few months he spent studying and memorizing to make his boyfriend proud.

“ _Quiero un pastelito de carne y un cortadito, por favor.”_

The order left Cronus breathless, but nothing worth the shock on Kankri and Kanaya’s face.

“When did you learn Spanish?!”, the two questioned in unison, mouths hanging open and eyes wide. They looked at each other impulsively before whipping their gaze back to the proud greaser.

He shrugged with a smug grin on his face. “I took a Spanish class last semester. Guess it worked.” Kankri sighed and ignored the rising blush in his face. Cronus noticed the gesture and planted a smooch on the reddening Vantas’ cheek.  Kanaya shook her head and laughed as Kankri squirmed.

*~*

Weeks of secret classes, days of making the proper calculations by the eye, and far too many pricked fingertips.

All worth it, of course, for most lovely girl in Rose’s life.

The bagged hanger was draped over her shoulder as she trudged through the bitter cold and across the slippery cement, her wool boots threatening to indulge in an impromptu and ephemeral ice skating career. She was a bloom of magenta and black against the bright lights of town square, standing upright and walking briskly in her pink jacket.

She wore a Santa hat that guarded her choppy blonde hair from the cold as well. “ ‘Tis the season”, she thought idly when the white puff of the hat swung in her face. Her nose scrunched up on instinct and she batted it away with the grace of a black cat.

Upon entering the store, it took all of Rose’s willpower to not drop the bag and take Kanaya into her arms in the most ridiculous, melodramatic way possible. Even when she was glaring at the older Ampora brother from across the café, she maintained her elegant features from behind the aged cash register.

Rose waved at the quaint couple with a smile, and turned to the kind grin waiting for her at the register.

“For me? You didn’t have to.” Kanaya chided coyly. Rose couldn’t help but giggle; they had planned this long before December. Kanaya had loved the idea of celebrating the Winter Solstice: the perfect excuse to exchange gifts early.

“But how could I ever forget you, my dear? It would be a shame in this most merry time of year.” Rose answered with a smile. Kanaya took the bag off of the hanger and exposed the garment underneath to the world.

It wasn’t the same bright red as Kankri’s coat, but not the deep burgundy of the red velvet dresses Kanaya saw in her magazines. The dress was short and strapless— _a cocktail dress,_ Kanaya noted _–_ with white frills that crossed the midsection with smooth curls. The waist was full; a measure that Rose took extra care to ensure for the final product.

“You…remembered what I said? About my favorite skirt?” Kanaya said, wonder laced in the wistful tone of her voice.

Rose smiled and looked into her dark eyes. “I would never forget something so important.”

Kanaya was breathless, brushing her hand against the fabric slowly, reverently. It was perfect.

“Thank you, Rose. Part of me can’t process marvelous this is, but another part knows that you were always capable of such a marvelous thing.” She brought Rose into a warm hug and squeezed her tight before pulling back.

“Now for my gift.” Kanaya said. She stooped below the cash register and pulled out a red gift bag with white sparkles and green tissue paper. Rose took it and brought it to her ear, shaking it with a mock-confused look on her face. The gesture made Kanaya laugh, a rich sound that Rose absolutely _adored_.

She pulled out a square booklet with a thin leather cover. Rose ran her hands over the craft and brushed her fingertips over the etched title: “Occultist & Surrealist Adult Coloring Book, by Kanaya Maryam.”

“It’s a limited edition, you see. One of a kind.” Kanaya said, watching as Rose slowly leafed through the pages, an elated look on her face, wide eyes poring over the illustration.

“H.R Giger, Zdzisław Beksiński, Junji Ito…oh! Even some of the more accurate Lovecraft illustrations.” Rose observed. She recognized the pale outlines from years of scanning the Web.

“So this is why you pulled that all-nighter while trying to learn Photoshop. And to think that I always thought that you despised the program.” Rose said.

Kanaya scoffed. “That hasn’t changed, my dear. Enduring the tortures of layering those beasts was worth the trouble, if only for your smile.”

Rose’s cheeks flushed and she shook her head. “Such a romantic.”

She brought Kanaya into a warm hug, digging her chin into her girlfriend’s shoulder, and pulled back to brush their noses together.

Rose’s gaze flicked up at Kanaya’s eyes briefly before she grinned wide and pulled Kanaya into a breathless kiss. Remembering how it felt to see Kanaya in that split second, she brought an arm around her girlfriend’s waist and another around her shoulders. Rose dipped Kanaya and elicited a brief _oh!_ from her when their lips separated for a moment. They continued with renewed life, kissing the daylights out of each other in the café. Rose covered Kanaya’s jaw with kisses before entering her tongue into the mix, licking the inside of her mouth freely.

“Ey, get a room, you lovebirds! I’m tryin’ ta’ have a quiet evening with my boyfriend.” Cronus exclaimed. The lovebirds paid no heed and Kanaya hummed into the wet kiss as Rose held up an offensive hand to the Ampora brother. She could hear Kankri gasp and Cronus double over with laughter in the quiet café.

*~*

“And then Pyrope was like,” Cronus started.  “‘Mrs. Peixes, I’m afraid that while your business practices are legally sound, the evidence supporting their sordid development is completely flappable!’ That lawyer my pop got from the state is nuts, I’m tellin’ you. And her interns are even crazier! I swear I saw one of ‘em eating chalk between hearings, and the other one skateboarding in heels to court.”

“I believe you mean ‘fraudulent’, but that’s incredible that a female lawyer was able to convict such a high-tier corporate executive to begin with. Who was Peixes’ lawyer?”

“Some shark called Makara. _His_ interns are fuckin’ psycho. One of ‘em doesn’t speak and smells like weed. The other intern just vapes in the bathroom twenty-four seven.”

“How distasteful. Thank you for telling me, though.”

“Anytime, Mr. Pro-Bono.”

“Excuse me, I won’t _only_ do pro—“

A burst of sound broke the quiet ambience and the two turned to the register.

Kanaya and Rose were crowded around Kanaya’s phone, faces pulled tight with urgency. “Something’s happened to Dave.”

Kankri was up in a flash; Cronus could see the anxious gears turning in his head. “What?”

Kanaya shook her head. “I’m not sure but Karkat just called me an—“

_Ping!_ Kankri’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He scooped it out so fast that it almost slipped onto the ground. Cronus, Kanaya, and Rose rushed to his side to look at it.

“Oh dear goodness.” Kankri said, eyes shutting in a mixture of apprehension and embarrassment. Rose’s face was buried in her right hand.

Karkat’s message was as clear as it was crude.

“SEND HELP MY BOYFRIEND WAS BEING AN IDIOT AGAIN”

*~*

“DAVE, IF YOU SURVIVE THIS, I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M GONNA KILL YOU MYSELF.”

“karkat please it’s just a dead forest.”

“A DEAD FOREST THAT MIGHT KILL YOU.”

“but im already dead inside.”

“NOT ON MY WATCH, BUCKO.”

All it took to trap Dave under two forests worth of conifers was a bad idea, the hereditary Strider impulse to ensure their superiority in the most absurd ways possible, and Dave’s alleged love for the holiday.

(The latter manifested in compressed images of Snoop Dogg in Christmas garb being sent to their friends’ group chat at midnight on the first day of December.)

Of course, Dave wanted to save that tree, believed that he wanted it more than anyone in town. The perfect tree, the once-in-a-lifetime tree, the tree to end all trees, the tree—

“SHUT UP AND LET ME SAVE YOU.” Karkat said, stepping through the dark piles of decapitated tundra citizens to his boyfriend. Karkat could see jackshit without his phone but it didn’t stop him from groping through the branches for Dave. “WHY DID YOU EVEN WANT THAT TREE?” Karkat asked impatiently.

He could hear muffled laughter from beneath the green avalanche. “its a secret.”

Karkat groaned and continued to bury his hands in needles and sap, until he heard the familiar hum of Kanaya’s car rush to the front of the Christmas tree lot.

*~*

“So Dave was possessed by an unholy bout of Christmas spirit? I would have expected him to be the bearer of such energies, not the victim of them.” Rose snarked when Karkat finished his rapid-fire explanation of what had transpired. Everyone else couldn’t decipher his message but Rose understood Karkat’s tics enough.

“OH MY GOD, JUST HELP ME ALREADY.”

Karkat was bouncing in place as the two couples rushed precariously into the dark tree lot tent. The dark branches and brambles of the trees blocked out any light from the outside, prompting the merry band of teens to summon their phone lights. The small LED spotlights traced Karkat’s frantic trail through the corners of the lot, only to fall on a pile of eight foot tall fallen trees.

They could plainly see the blond head of hair beneath in a red and white coat.

“ALRIGHT, LET’S DO THIS.”Karkat exclaimed.

Tree by tree, the pile was gradually reduced. Cronus and Kanaya were the fastest of the bunch. Kankri and Rose eventually supplemented their efforts by working together to grab the ends of the trees. After only one tree was left, Dave was able to roll it off of himself and stand up with shaking legs. His brow furrowed above his shades at the circle of LED lights blinding his view, until he spotted a familiar head of unkempt black hair and stumbled into his arms

“thanks babe.” Dave whispered, pine needles and twigs dirtying his hair and blanketing his clothes. Karkat returned the embrace in kind by squeezing Dave’s chest and patting him on the back.

“DON’T SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, ALRIGHT?” Karkat said, taking Dave’s face into his hands before kissing his boyfriend’s forehead. Dave chuckled and took Karkat into another tight, warm hug.

“scouts honor dude. i promise.” Karkat pulled back to shake out the pines needles from Dave’s hair, fingers sliding through the strands shining in the light with little resistance. Dave’s face tightened and his eyes pinched together as Karkat removed his shades to swipe at the remaining pine needles on his face. He placed them gently back on when he was finished.

“Ahem?” said Rose.

Dave looked up and saw the two couples behind the lights, disdain, ironic disappointment, and smugness written on their faces.

“oh, and thanks to you guys too. i appreciate yall helping out my boyfriend with excavating my dead ass from the pine mausoleum.”

“Now that you have some proper light sources and a pile of defeated enemies, would you want us to pick out this incredible tree of yours?” Kanaya asked. Dave nodded and paced around the lot with Karkat, Kanaya, and Rose in tow. The other couple refrained from the search and walked to the exit carefully.

*~*

“Hey, why aren’t you like that with me?” Cronus asked Kankri mockingly, smiling when Kankri didn’t realize the joke at first and tried to apologize. Cronus calmed him as they left the tent for the open lights of the town.

“Nah, babe, hey don’t worry alright?” Cronus took Kankri’s hand. He tilted his gaze up to his own, and brushed Kankri’s lip with his thumb. Cronus’ eyes flicked down to his lips before he felt Kankri nod in his hand, pressing his lips to the warm flesh.

Kankri hummed into the pleasant feeling, welcoming Cronus’ tongue easily and letting it glide against his own without hesitation. He brought his hands to Kankri’s black hair to play with the locks and Kankri placed his shaking palms onto the top of Cronus’ chilled leather jacket. The unmistakable warmth of Cronus’ mouth coupled with the feel of his jacket raised goosebumps along Kankri’s arms.

The kiss was short but Kankri’s face was still flushed with bright red. Cronus felt his pride bolster at the sight and brought his arm around his boyfriend.

The two couples came out of the tree lot not long after.

“everybody i think you should see the tree i almost died for.” Dave said, pushing the tree to stand upright. The five of them looked at the tree for a solid minute before the realization hit them simultaneously.

The tree was full but not the tallest tree of the lot. The bottom of the tree was round and bulbous on one side, while the top was round with thick, short branches.

“Dave…,” Rose said tentatively, ready to be disappointed. “Please don’t tell me that—“

“yeah its a dick.”

The five teens groaned as Dave’s sick shades shone in the wavering light of the town at night, a small smirk bordering on laughter gracing his face.


End file.
